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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in leperclan's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, June 10th, 2012
2:02 pm
Guilt, Food for the Forgetful
For my sibling, who i know checks this place for social friends hangout.

There are only so many times a person can enjoy watching their movie collection. So instead of email this will have to do.
Go To, these links to watch movies, new and out, or back to 1-2yrs out of date.


for watching just out movies, if u just ignore the adds. and don't mind the sometimes crappy quality. Or just want to safe a few bucks. come here(will give instructions on "HOW TO":Click movie of interest, Close add that will likely pop up, change size of viewing screen that u want, then click with mouse over the play icon. and enjoy the show.

(Rinse Repeat til you've seen everything)


for watching TV shows/movie's. The quality here won't always be good. so swap out with the other one as often as you like. For this one always choose "putlocker" free and no free requiered. When adds pop up, close them then re-size the movie and enjoy. sometimes you will have to reload the screen, but always close the adds before playing or you might be interrupted from watching by their announcement for you to apply your self.

I know this isn't much or anything to what you were hoping for. But i figured that at least i won't be hogging this resources any longer                                                                                       

Current Mood: contemplative
Friday, March 9th, 2012
5:43 pm
1oz. of Perception undiluted
For the past month or more I have been spouting how much I hate my Eldest (older) sibling. In most of my examples I say he's an ass and I can't understand the way he thinks. or I say I hate his guts and I wish he wasn't FAMILY. (Those are the bottom lines of my my rants during his visit) Hopefully nearing the end of his time on vacation to visit his family( Namely me) I hope I have disected him enough to get a fairer picture into his personality.
For this latest rant. I've decided that I should not Rant about my dislike of his actions too much and focus mainly on the end results.

My Brother Ashley is not a self-centered ass but a complicated individual. He expects much from those around him, but gives little in return and expects much positive feedback for all efforts that he makes. A lot of the things that irritate those in his surrounding's are things that effect or bother other distinctive individuals. but not all people are as distinctive as he is.
So an example is a sane person who understands boundres who respects those around them and doesn't like stepping on toes to get things done. The San(er) Folk. Or the common Man/Women. Ashley feels that any effort he does in a positive way or however he feels should be viewed as positive should earn him Happy praise. What he fails to realize is that not everyone (or the Common person) want what they are confortable with to change. Myself and another tenant and my sister all apply to this ideoligy. Our lives are not perfect but we cope and its fine with us. There will always be a conflict when what might work for us Will-Not-Work-For-Another. And because of this disection my brother endure's my wrath (or if not him the rest of the household experience our shouting matches).
Now with that example out of the way, on with my Rant: Ashley volinteer's his time to rouse me from my comfortable bedding and tells me that whatever action he does is a good action whether or not he gains anything from it. With that knowledge in hand anything that I do that is positive is O.K. in his book. BUT if I don't conform to his offerings then I have wasted his time even though I hadn't asked for his help in any form. While ignoring that I am not more active during the early or late afternoon, that I'm not normally friendly during the morning that I should feel happy that he wants good for me even if I don't ask, to be pushed (lead around from a coller). However if I submit to his pleading then I'm not wasting his time more I have free will and can chose what I want and not amount of constructive enforcement on his part is ever seen as anything but in a positive light. Of course if I refuse all the way out the door (door house, door bedroom, any door that one lives in) then he starts his guilt speech. Something I can account is not a good Motivator. While he says that he won't leave for a few minutes those few seem to last for awhile and during this time he using the guilty speech to say how much it would be a good thing to get up and be active while he visits.

So my RANT is this: I hat his hypicritical attitude, I can see how it would work on a simple minded and non-confrontational person. And while I Loath his method's, they are effective. Even if he spouts free will He doesn't really preach it 


Current Mood: indescribable
Wednesday, February 29th, 2012
10:42 pm
False Belief's
Ok. Here is how it goes. My Brother has a VERY HUGE Problem. His of the assumption that this world we live in this world that we exist in. Lives to serve him. He's of the assumption that WE ARE ALL indebtted to him, because of the generous things (Thing's = Assuming that being overly helpful should earn him brownie points, these points will be favor's that other's now owe him for his being generous with his time) that he does for them all the time. Now for him a favor would be saying that "A offer someone else to help with the problem that your having (they won't refused because if they do I'll be able to say that they aren't doing their share to help out the lively hood of our living space/environment/work space/place I'm staying at as a guest" Now for my Angst: this lovely and carering brother of mine who I'm suppose to appreciate and love unconditionally. Is starting to act like a overly controlling parent. not that kind of parents that seen in good lights with teachers no the kind that is bordering on the mentally/phsycally abusive. Just because i'm not as academically achieved as my sister or mother. Or as musically educated as an uncle or drive like my brother is. Also what doesn't help me is that when i had plenty of opportunities to be better in school i wasn't very drive to make something profound happen with my future. this drive that i lacked seem's to be his ammunition for him to run my life. And this being his involvement is all forceful in my like i'm either earning more grey hairs with him living under my roof./ or i'm sharing too much of my dis-functional like with what seem to be strangers./ or i really need to become a truely independent renter and move the fuck out and away FAR away from any with connections to my family for some peace and quite


Current Mood: aggravated
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012
1:39 pm
Human Solar Systems
Brother's we love or hate them. Sometimes we even enjoy their company and they make us smile or make us laugh. They can bring tears to our eye's. Or be hurtful and make us cringe at their company, cringe to their mere mention, mere touch. Brother's are a great source of insight into the habits of human beings. Brother's have all or most of the qualities that make being human. Good or Bad.
Now my brother live's in his own universe. His whole life, is like he's the earth. and he's the only planet in the solar system. All things good or bad revolve around him. In a way my brother has a god complex. A god playing both sides. A god that wants to be good and can be good but his actions make him evil but the results are mostly good. this quoate fits my brother like a glove more or better than statement i could make. "The Road to Hell is Paid in Good Intentions"

Now. my brother has double standard's. He lives by them. It's like his religion, and he's the only one leading it. He's his only 'Fanatic/Priest/Follower/Preacher/Deity'. Now in the Universe of my Brother, there could be other citizens around doing their own thing following their own belief's. To function in his own little safe-haven. Everyone should feel energized about doing what God Ash(not using full name) says because while in the now we might not see it but what he's telling us WILL Actually help us. Maybe not now, maybe not to marrow, or the next day. But when this becomes our routeene and were doing it our selves without him hovering over our shoulders reminding us that THIS IS what WE WANT and WE WILL, FEEL GOOD about doing this. It's only when it becomes a habit that we finally catch on that we've been played and we're now a slave to doing what is told to us. Now here's the thing. If we try to back out. We start to think for ourselves again and not taking everything said to us like air. If we do this that we obviously aren't listening enough or your not being fair.
Your views all your thoughts must be sensored. You can not be yourself. you must only do as God Ash wants. or thinks. If you don't fit into his world. Then you were ignoring him.

My claim. 'Larry is over weight, he's so over weight that his knees are giving out on him. Now while he know's that he's having a problem with the kinds of foods he's been or has or is eaten/eating. Larry isn't up for going for the long haul of dieting. Larry won't try enough to change his way's to be Actually healthy. just doing enough to get god Ash off his case. Just enough for minimum wage. Ash has the mind set that only he can dictate how people take care of themselves. Only god ash can speak his mind, only god Ash can talk.
So, I listened, I heard his suggestions. I explained that i'm willing to work towards the goal's he set so that Larry will actually feel good/health. Now when my brother is done filling in the 'whats what' he Actually asks for my view's. He want's me say something anything to show that was listening and not just nodding my head. I say i have something to say, but i'm not sure i should because what i have to say you might find offensive, so i'm going to keep my peace and not open my mouth. (This is me trying to be polite and not seeking trouble) Next he says, I won't blow a gasket and i'll Actually listen and not get upset by what you have to say/feeling. I'll be patient and hear your out. So i then say that his whole statement. his whole project his views on how the world works or at least how Larry works, how his mind functions. I said your full of sh!t. the Moment i finish this remark. My right as a Human being are gone. He the activist who actively complains about those in power taking away our basic human rights so they can make more money or give them more power. Once i said my peace i wasn't human anymore. If he's God, If people doing what he wants them to do, because he need's to have a power trip. If i step out of the line i'm not Human anymore i'm the Devll or the Anti-Ash/Christ.

My Angst for the Day

Current Mood: aggravated
Monday, February 20th, 2012
11:06 am
It's kinda like ThanksEating/Giving
So my brother has been in town for about a couple of weeks or more. He comes in and starts to gobble and gobble our food supple. Now this isn't so bad if he only ate when we ate, but he does all day long. never enough to be a full meal anyone time just enough food to last for a few hours and then back to gobbling.
Now that we're running out of food he starts to point out that we have ALL these flaws that need to taken care of, all these things that are wrong with how we live. sure i also believe that Larry eating sugary foods is bad for him and he knows it, doesn't stop him from doing it but he knows. But brother now that there is no food. Starts pointing the blame game at us like WE did this. I mean he comes here to visit that's fine but he eats more food than Larry does in a day and he eats ALL FUCKING DAY!.

Some back story: 10 years ago and we wouldn't even of have felt his gobbling of food. every week or sometimes more than twice a week. We'd head to 'Safeway' our local market (or more like Northern California Market) that was then it wouldn't have mattered too much about how much he ate. but now is different the economy is shit. no jobs left and right. for him to come in and eat like it a 4th of July weekend buffie isn't right.

Gotta go he's right outside my door. be back later to fill more angst in

Current Mood: aggravated
Tuesday, February 14th, 2012
12:58 pm
Too Late, To Care
Its official. I HATE Ashley. I knew I shouldn't have let Ashley sign me up for Social Disability Funds. I knew his help was going to come with strings. I just didn't think the When. When they were going to become visible. It'd be like have a contract to move and live in a housing complex. all text is in bold letters. Except the fine print at the bottom. The fine print is fuzzy until After the contract is signed. This is when u learn that you had just sold your soul to Satan and he's got you by the balls.

By now the contract is almost over. but then he comes in and says that its not done til i say its done. your my unwilling slave to my will. even if i drag you around by your Leash kicking and screaming your going to do as i say.
In a twisted sense he works like Larry.
"this is whats going to happen, this is how i want it done, these are the results i want. and your going to acknowledge my suggestions. and do them because i asked you politely. Otherwise its going to happen with a gun at your back. Just do what i ask and everything will be fine"

Current Mood: distressed
Saturday, November 5th, 2011
9:51 pm
Functioning in A Constant On-Going, Multi-Phased Re-Ality
I just finished watching 'Source Code'. There is a feature one of the Five or so 'Special Features'. That share the view's of the Actor's and the Cast. Their view's and insight into the filming of the movie.
(here now the reason)

My function for this visit, this moment of Spontaneous desire to share my thoughts. Doing so though, I don't want to spoil this film. As I'm going to recommend everyone watching it sometime. A share of a like-minded film, 'Déjà Vu' (2006). ' The One' (2001).
(here now the meaning)

Larry, and I'm am irked beyond human function. Now minutes later. With my thoughts calm and my heart rate slower. I can't share how much his kinda of personality drives me through the roof. How much I sometimes wish the roof over my head was not paid by him.
(here now the war)

I have too much of my family in my personality. Too much of my Brother, My Sister, My Mother. and FAR Too Much of My Father.
(here now. the Truth)

I feel trying to share my thoughts inside my house, is like purposely like killing one-self, the mean to cause harm to the body. The want to cause pain. For the family its like being the beach and have the water/time/earth bash itself again't me. both us partially know that in time i will erode and join it in insanity. That even if i gave myself to it now, it would still expect that much more from me in the future. Now though every time with Interest.
(here now the ROOT)

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Monday, January 10th, 2011
2:41 pm
the almost mistake..
Yesterday, which my by my internal calender was "holiday" (ever since graduating from high school, EVERYDAY has been "holiday"). i almost had "the almost mistake". For two days prior sleep had evaded me, and it didn't help that i've been having trouble sleeping like "N"ormal people. This episode goes like this: No sleep two days (2DAYS!), caffeen grunge constantly to help me re-arrange to a proper sleeping cycle. As i was reading something (as is normal for me) something i read caught me in a relapse memory. forcing up terrible actions in my past these action i'm not very proud of. These action which caused a downward spiral of guilt. this guilt led to "the almost mistake". if it hadn't been a forced on vow, a Promise, FORCED. this post wouldn't be posted. actually i prob wouldn't be alone for long but if i could feel anything it would more guilt, but this guilt would lead to eternal damnation and torment, as all guilt normally leads to a downward spiral of any emotions.

i felt inspired to post this. i felt alerting someone was better that holding it in, don't damn me for being human. just damn me for everything else..

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Thursday, December 2nd, 2010
1:21 am
Of Man and Bird, A Foul Revolution
This is a series of outtakes, these moments in my life will show that Man won't always be of the purest breed. And that foul revolution is at beak.

This outtake is from a moment in my life where i had been working for a CULT Seasonal camp for the young and impressionable. While my job wasn't that great of an inspiration, this moment i felt was worth mentioning, so with this thought in my head i took moments out from work to try and remember as best as i could the moment itself by writing the event out:

(BTW, this happened about 1 1/2 years and several months apart from now) Today I probaly learned the most if not the damn most disturbing thing during my short life. Cooks and butchers are "Meat Pedophiles". If there wasn't something like this before or if there was no one thought to share. (for it is dark and disturbing, all its own)
As we know Pedophiles "Touch or "Like" younger people in sexual acts that get them off. (not the kids off, but themselves) But this branch of (that dastardly "P" word) people if thats what you could call them that, enjoy feeling up and get satisfaction from "touching" cows, chickens, turkeys, pork, and all other manner of meat products. While during their weakest moments, while they can't even defend themselves and not caring what other people might think about it. (now i understand that most if not almost all people on earth wouldn't have noticed this injustice, my mind is sullied like that) I could give you and example: today the dinner cook (for this CULT seasonal camp, their was a different cook for each main meal of the day) was feeling up my meatloaf. He was even preparing to give a hysterectomy to a poor turkey. If i were actually enjoying my job and company (that worked for this Branch of the CULT), I'd actually think Pedophiles were terrible people.
As it turns out though, this Pedophile of the Kitchen was actually a really great "Human Being".

Moments like this will be updated for the pleasure of freaking out the rest of the CULT free humans and scaring the CULT worshiping nut jobs (YOU know i KNOW who YOU are!)

Current Mood: crazy
12:39 am
Writer's Block: Wintertime is here
How do you feel about the winter holidays? Has your opinion changed over the years?

A little, when I was younger this time of year was a family time and cheer and love. While now my family is broken and decaying in some branches. While myself have come to understand what this holiday signifies to me. "Spend Money for we are the CULT, Worship our CULT. WE know YOU want to, come join in OUR cheer. For we have plenty as it was YOURS from last year.
Over the years, I've moved from being friendly to many religion's and how they celebrate this holiday time, now though to me its just one big CULT out to get OUR cheer and steal what makes us happy to begin with. ;(

Current Mood: cynical
Tuesday, September 14th, 2010
11:31 am
Trying to be normal at home
a little bit of frustration. stepfather is deaf in one ear.. stepfather doesn't listen to me unless i PUNKCUATE my WORDS. this means he's DEAF IN NOT JUST IN ONE OF HIS EARS BUT ALSO... "HIs HEAD"
11:28 am
Writer's Block: 10 Years From Now
Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?

Monday, April 19th, 2010
8:39 pm
Forced March to Hell (or) Purgatory
Here's my problem. I hate my mother, everyone, even her knows this, (they're all in denial). Kids' or Children can't hate their parents. but i do. i hate her. Anyway, she comes for her yearly visit. i hear about her coming and i hear she's going to be staying for a short amount of time. i figure I would make it so she would Never match up with me. For me. "Spending time with my mother is like practicing drowning". So then i make up thing's to occupy my time with. Anyway this current visit. I'm hearing that she's got this play she's writing, and its like a once and a lifetime experience and she's really Really excited about it. (now I'm not hearing anything about anything BUT this nothing about me nothing about how I'm suppose to fit in all of this. just about how exciting it is all for her. and how proud i should be.
Yesterday, as i turned in (sleep). i wasn't thinking of anything but hoping my mothers thing was good for her and she'd not mention me or make some insinuation that would mean I'm such a bad son for not supporting her(no way out to defend myself if this event ever comes up and I'm in the room. I know i wake up pretty late. I'm not really proud of my sleeping habits. 1245pm, ISN'T a normal sleeping/or waking hour. i know. Waking up, i do my 'normal' morning events. Two or so hours or maybe 1 hour after I've woken up. comes home and yells out : " , Are you ready to go.." and here me I'm thinking whats he talking about. After enough yelling my mother comes from inside the house to find out whats with the shouting. And this is when I'm told and all the other people living at my residence all share the same belief i should just Go!. Show my mother i care. maybe just this once.
I fold, i caved in. i went to my mothers play, thingeer, during the trip I'm in the backseat with a boozed out Chinese girl who had one whole bottle of BEER. and made her 'Zonked OUT!'. Lucky her. My mother is like a dalemation crossed with a parrot. Both will die if u don't keep your focus on them 24/7. Both live on attention. And last, both are pets i would never have, for the patience for them is far more than just time, and love, and money, and space.
So the drive to purgatory (its in hell but to get there u must travel through Hell to the reach a safe haven) was another, refreshing experience on how the world views my mother and how blind they are to her. The drive to the play was like going down the gauntlet through hell to purgatory. Or like a gauntlet of judgment. the play was more fun doing. than i was anticipating. Now here we had to come back and make the return journey. Up, onto. Earth from Purgatory. While the trip to from earth, was mild in all things(my mother). The trip back was something i wouldn't wish ever happened again. now while I'm suffering this we had a guest in the car that wasn't Larry. Someone who should never be exposed to the frustration of 'mother'. This guest. Was or is a tenant in my home. (there was no actual fighting. but it could have become one. if some words were said instead of others)
to put in perspective. you wouldn't have a fight with your own mother, while u had someone who in all sense of the word 'STRANGER' is in your company/car/home/within shouting distance.

Sooo much to say without it all turning into mush . . . View Above (MUSH)

The moral of this rant. i don't like it when my plans for a day are made without my give or say, for any of it. then i hate even more. is someone telling me i have free will but if i screw up I'm the devils bitch and nothing i say after words is worth listening too, cause I'm not on the good side.

**I will never correct what i say in here. this is how i type, this is also how i say. if it doesn't come out right it means that i don't know the spelling of some words. i just know how they sound and that they make sense to me enough to be used by me**

Current Mood: exhausted
Friday, April 2nd, 2010
6:20 pm
I'm a middle child, brother of 3 children born. Little sister, (me), Older brother.
A lesson i think long and hard with. Something i remember my father (birth/not stepfather) sharing. DEAD HORSES CAN'T RESPOND... Nooo matter how many times you kick it while its down. the results will always be the same. My brother killed the horse, and while he doesn't like the fact or will never admit the fact that he slayed it. it died because it was too exhausted to move forward. so he killed it hoping to make things better.
takes a breather, "why didn't you listen to me , all you had to do was do as i say, as long as i wanted and you'd be alive right now" 'dead horses don't respond' "All you had to do was pay attention" 'dead horses don't listen' "i didn't say you could have a break get up and move more in this direction" 'dead horses aren't deaf'. Something my father tried to teach all his kids. Once you've made your point and you've said your piece, and made it positively clear that your done speaking. Interrupting the next person who wants to defend themselves. and tell or overriding them, while forcing everyone to shut up, and then telling them that your not going to let people bad mouth your. IS NO WAY TO Interact with people.

You see my brother he irks me something fierce. He's like a broken record, where he's stuck on the same track till someone comes along and forces him to correct himself. but by then, its too late for him to learn, before he try's again. Hoping or thinking that he can't point out that he's always in the right and your always making up lies.
(This last sentence didn't make much sense, but I'm still a large marginal upset over his attitude)

Current Mood: aggravated
6:14 pm
Writer's Block: Take me to your leader
If an alien ship were to land in your backyard and choose you as the earthly representative of humanity, what would you tell them about our world? Would you consider going back with them for a visit?

We are one fucked up race, but if you really must know. We're like a heart beat. If we have a means or breath to continue existing. We will always strive to better ourselves and those around us.

Current Mood: aggravated
Tuesday, March 16th, 2010
1:23 pm
Close Encouters of the Family Kind
Have you ever found yourself in the environment. Where people you love ask you "Vague" questions. While expecting answers, but refuse to give you the rest of the question. Only mentioning the first or middle part. And, then freaking out in your space. Because the answer wasn't to their question but was more.. asking to fill in the 'Blank', so the answer you give will make more sense to you as them as well?
I almost always feel this when in the company of my older brother. It seems that he can't ask something without being the center of the disaster. While he expects you to always be on the same page as 'he'. And then refusing to be caring in mind of other people. Cause they don't understand. THEN blowing up and saying that what a wonderful mood killer you've done.

(while never in those words, generally that's how i feel moments afterwords)

** So the scenario **

"Brother Speaking" **Me Speaking**

"I paged you so I could ask a question," can I use your computer to check a number, won't just be a second" **Sure** **Curious** **How come you need to log onto your face book account to check a number** "I can't deal with this right now, I'm feeling queasy, like food poisoning or something and I'm also feeling really hot. I need to lie down" "Do you remember that movie you lended to Peter" **I don't understand which movie, as far as I know I only lended Anime but no actual movie** "I CAN'T TAKE THIS RIGHT NOW" YOU KNOW WHAT JUST DROP ITS ITS FINE IT DOESN'T MATTER" **I just wanted to clearafie, its only a simple question. I don't understand** (Brother up's and leaves room with me cussing after him trying to get a response from him that isn't. ((I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN ASK STATEMENTS OR QUESTIONS, AS I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO'S FEELING SICK))

I don't know what it is. almost whenever I'm in a closed space with him I feel like he's a rampaging bull, or close to red angry bull. One half of my costume(what I'm wearing) is painted all in RED the other side, all colors that don't lead to RED. I guess, what I'm trying to express is I'm frustrated with my brother. I love him. He's family. But i can't stand this attitude he has. And I feel i will never understand him.

Current Mood: aggravated
Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
7:40 pm
Best Educational Movie
I've been learning the wow's of Netflixcom, as in watching movies online provided from Netflix. I've been dividing my off work time from, either playing one online game to another while surfing the web. Some back history.. I have been known to give good reviews for movies and sometimes books/magazines. Not so much on those hard bound or soft, or even floppy(mags). I've always felt that i could understand the desperation Educational films were trying to present to 'us' the public. I've always been either seen as weird, or not understanding enough to get the views other people are trying to represent. So while my views are sometimes baseless, and I don't actually understand. Or i do, and I just don't have the education to back my beliefs. I know that somethings .. Things that have moving feelings need to be shared.
So here is, "a" Best Educational Movie: "Blue Gold". This movie if you don't understand by just reading the title of the film. I would implore you to see this movie til the credits.
If however just by reading the title of this movie you already understand; Understand and are already taking actions to help. This is fine. more so. if you watch this movie, while appreciating all the facts its showing.

For me, I'm going to share this movie's title with everyone that i know will at least listen. An Hope. That people start to pay more attention.
Saturday, October 10th, 2009
7:52 am
Writer's Block: Gone Too Far
What is the scariest incident with drugs or alcohol you’ve witnessed or personally experienced? How did it change you?

I got high i think once, with Acid(or it was LSD). My brother introduced me to it. Him and his friends were over, him being the older sibling and the parents being away, sister being someplace else. Everyone but me being in high school. Was far too tempting to pass up. It didn't help any that my brother was kinda of my role model. I had always wanted to amount to the same things as him. Anyways, i take some place it under my tunge(my sp is terrible). Some minutes later and I'm on this freaky weird trip. During my trip we as in myself and a couple others were in the field across our house. All my movements are strange, i still remember what it was like. Like the shadows i was standing on hard shadows. the ground i could see it but i couldn't touch it. Also I've always been afraid of the dark. that sure as hell didn't help my trip. So me thinking that it would be better inside the house, i head back in... long story short. Last thing i remember doing that night was lying on my mothers/and un-officals bed. Looking up, and watching myself feel like I'm actually falling down. but I'm on my back while starring at the ceiling.

I think with my acid trip i was about 12 or 13(that's about 1 or two years before i went into sixth grade) Taking that drug. i felt more open to my dreams, i felt that when i sleep at night i could remember more of what happened during them, caused me to have more dejavue chances. It also cause me to have some nightmares happen more than once. but somethings can't be had without having to suffer for them.
Looking back on it now. i think that if i hadn't known what them drugs can do. i would have turnout like most of the other kids that i went to school with. lung cancer at 30.
Tuesday, May 5th, 2009
3:28 pm
Q?'s Why
here's my dilemma, everyone. all those around me all those i care for all those i have a sense of kinship to, are becoming sad a expressing their teary eyes. in some form or another. whether it be see hear or in the way they have acted around me. that's the background of my confusion. now some people might think of me as calluos or something that would be described as cold. but i'm finding it rather difficult to open myself up like them. when my dad died i think i turned off my sense of loss. no when something that normally effect one of us emotionally. all i do is blink and live life like i have been doing. like the events that hurt aren't showing. i don't know i'm just confused. i want to be sad and teary i want to share the moment with everyone that will open an ear. i'm just finding myself lacking.
It reminds me of the time i went into the doctor's office you know for the full examination. where they bop u with a solid rubber hammer. ya know the one they test your reflexes. i just one day stop doing it i stopped making my body act in the way that was expected. oh sure i still cry when something hurts my mind/heart(soul/don't believe in it.. NOW SHU'DUP) but i can't seem to bring myself to expose those feelings like those i feel are blood-kin.
bah who am i kidding. i'm sure someday down the line i'll shatter like anyone else i'm just taking my sweet ass time getting there

(for all those who read my livejournal's, when i use 'i'll or i'm' i use it for meaning. when its incorrect as its shown, I'm speaking on a heart to heart personal view. when its 'I'll or I'm' or the like. its i'm trying to show my maturity and the only way i can is by showing i have some sense of education)

Current Mood: calm
Thursday, February 5th, 2009
6:03 pm
last post
i feel better now. while the depression is still in the back my mind. and i feel its not going anywhere anytime soon. it just means that not its not as opressing as it was. and fear not i won't do what i felt compelled to do before.


just so its known i don't usually check livejournal for anything unless, a) i'm gonna post something, or b) i'm gonna surf the www. location i'm at. and feel a bit curious. now this proves to point out why i've never posted on anything anyone elses journal unless promted from an outside sorce in the past. with this i will make a solem vow to change this and do more posting in future whe the mood hits. not like that gonna be often but now u will know what to expect from me

Current Mood: chipper
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